Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Was watching ‘keeping the faith’ on channel 5 the other day. The character played by Jenny Elfman said, “What if after pursuing what you really wanted for the last ten years and after getting it, you realized that it is actually not what you really want?” I say you are so damn screwed.

And the truth is I don’t want to wake up one day feeling screwed. No, not physically, it’s not what you think it is, I’m not gay, but what she said really rang a bell in my head, warning me to set my priorities straight. Time moves so fast, I’m already 21 this year. Really don’t want to regret at 31. Lately, I have come to an understanding that while what is meant to be is meant to be, it doesn’t mean that I should ever stop trying. Ever. And so I won’t give up trying. Maybe by trying, I might change what’s not meant to be to what’s meant for me.

Been a rather hectic week. The two police events that I’ve been assisting to run have really taken its toll on my morale. All the shit that I have to do, I guess not many other people do national service my way, but of course if it wasn’t me, it would have been someone else, so be it, so glad that the major events are finally over and hopefully I can get into ord mood earlier. This few days, due to frequent reminders from hazrul about my blog, I have been getting the drive to break and really get my power moves. Thanks la. You know you are really an inspiration to me.

Somehow things really haven been going my way. Not the breaking though. The other day, I had a squabble with Taz. Apparently, this has happened to me several times. I remembered the earliest being when I was in sec 2, there was this guy called huang shiming, he’s not a very close friend, but I would still call him an acquaintance. So when I was in secondary school, people always like to make fun of my name. I’m fine with it. But he had to go and make fun of my mother giving me the name. At that moment, I snapped. I went ahead to choke him with my hands. In my mind, I could tell myself that I should let him go, but my seething anger got the better of me. When my friends finally pulled me away, he was on the floor gasping for air. And I told him straight, don you ever insult my mother again. He did not but that didn’t make us friends again. Of course, when it happened to me last Friday, I surprised myself when I didn’t snap. Taz, if you think that I was lucky that you didn’t punched me, I rather you did. And then, you wouldn’t have to be friends with me. Seems to me that you don really understand me enough and that hurt me a lot. I don give two hoots about dying on the road when pushing the needle, you are asking me if I ‘wu ci’ to give you a punch. What in the name of Jesus gave you the idea that even if I’m not your match, I ‘bo ci’ to punch you? Maybe it was my fault to push you, but you crossed the line when you insulted my mother. And I don do the friend thing with mother insulters. AND you are not obligated to be my friend either, I’m sure it’s not much of a loss to you too. Doesn’t mean that when you don have a caring mother like mine, you have the right to insult my mother.

Don’t be mistaken either. I’m not as mad as I’m hurt and ashamed that I have made things difficult for my other friends. Here I apologize to Gerald, Norbin, Hazrul and Victor. Oh and Aaron too, even though you didn’t ask me if I ‘wu ci’ to punch you when I pushed you too, I have to admit that you know me better coz you knew I was just playing. Isn’t there a saying that goes ‘He who knows me best is none other than my enemy’? I think it fits the bill over here.

This week, power moves all the way until end of February. Must get flares, damn it.
gilbert at 5:15 PM [comment]

{I hear voices, voices only half as humane as mine..}